There's been something bothering me for some time but until last night I could not pin the feeling down long enough to examine it.

Just once I'd like not to be the woman in sex. :thumb123471228: Now I'm not talking about putting on a strap on and reversing whose hole takes what . That's not it. I wanted to have sex when I wanted, where I wanted, and how I wanted it. I understand that relationships are founded on compromises. To pressure some one into sex they don't want would put me into deep shame and self loathing.

I have made minor changes to my personality to suit my partner's need. Although trivial, they are still there. :thumb49383393::thumb100066515::thumb147031957: For each man I have taken a weak part of myself, nurtured it, and grew in a way to help us. Eventually I come to a point where I have a need that is not met. And it's almost always a sexual need. While I have twisted, turned, and bent over somehow my sexual desire would cause a rift in our relationship.

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I was sulking over a memory of one time I was so hot and bothered after almost a half hour of foreplay and I asked my partner to stick all his fingers inside of me. I wanted more, more, more. He told me "no". We discussed his feelings and what it would do to my body. In his mind it was dirty and leave me stretched out and of little use to him. I explained to him how the female body works but  in the end I was still denied. And then in a sudden rush of self torture I remembered all the "no"s I received and became bitter over all my maybes and eventual yeses.

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So after some deliberation I woke him. It was all wrong. He threw me down, he called me dirty names. I defied him and there was silence. He said, "Just this once" We awkwardly traded roles for the night and I tried not to think about how badly I had failed. Then like a child who doesn't get what they want, I cried.

I have been left unsettled since. This only firms my stance on the situation.

I will not concede.

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